Dolphins CB Vontae Davis’ goofy charm may be our only hope at being entertained by a player’s personality on this season of Hard Knocks.

I’m not completely giving up on the Miami Dolphins Hard Knocks but I have to say the premiere episode was boring as hell. It started out with the QBs (Moore, Garrard, Tannenhill) and their wives talking about whatever they were talking about. Something about Matt Moore watching the bachelorette or something. I don’t know, I turned away to see Gabby Douglas and Dawn Harper’s Olympic turns. 

Next thing I saw was Braylon Edwards trying to explain why he’s not the man he keeps proving over and over that he is. In the end, as you may know, the Dolphins passed on Edwards who later signed with the Seattle Seahawks (more on the Seahawks tomorrow! I have a few things to say).

If I remember correctly cut scenes on the show do not typically air until you’ve gotten some attachment to the players during camp. That way you care about them and it’s suspenseful and heart wrenching. This episode had a cut scene of a dude we don’t know within the first 20 minutes. It felt forced and unfair. The guy they cut had no screen time before that and there was no reason to show that particular release. At that point, I knew HBO was trying too hard to make this cast of nobodies interesting. 

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We now turn our attention to Chad Johnson who, as expected, got the longest time on camera. He talked about taking a year off being on the Patriots so everyone else could catch up. He said he proved himself for a “decade straight” and plans to play well this year. In a scene that was supposed to be funny, he bursts into a coaches meeting and pretends like he belongs there. He says that his wife told him he can’t come home until after camp. *insert tense laughter* I don’t know how many times Chad can use his rude ass wife as a punchline. Speaking of his rude ass wife, she explained to Dolphins staff that she and Chad met on twitter, had a first date at McDonalds and that he’s a “dick head.” Good to know.

Later they cut to a scene where Chad and Reggie Bush are playing video games before curfew. After that they showed some practice footage that was full of guys making errors like hitting the QB, not knowing where a teammate was, and being so out of position on a tackle that they fell to the ground. They didn’t introduce us to any of the players except a feeble attempt to incorporate Vontae Davis who is supposed to be from DC but speaks like he’s from Alabama. I mean that’s fine in my book, but his brother, 49ers TE Vernon doesn’t speak that way. I was taken aback. 

Even if HBO had restructured some of the scenes and timing I’m not sure this would have come off any better. I say that because one of the great things about previous Hard Knocks seasons is that the teams profiled had guys whose personalities we were already familiar with and wanted to know more about (Ray Lewis, Shannon Sharpe, Larry Johnson, Tony Gonzalez, Rex Ryan, Mark Sanchez, Darrell Revis etc. etc.) Chad counts as one of those folks but America has already seen him on Bengals Hard Knocks and Basketball Wives and wherever else. Right now we just have to hope that one of these guys emerges as a star. But watching the three QBs be so…dry didn’t leave me optimistic. Davis’ scene did give me a glimmer of hope that he might entertain. 

Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin made a good impression. I thought he was very professional but still personable. He seems to have a good sense of humor and is not overly serious but clearly believes in discipline. I’m looking forward to see how he handles this mistake-prone team. 

The episode ended with Philbin telling the three QBs that the NFL requires them to put out a release that establishes their current starters and that Garrard would be listed as number one, Moore as number two, and Tannenhill three. If you don’t know, I’m on #TeamMattMoore ’til the wheels fall off. Though I must admit, I haven’t seen enough of Garrard’s play to have an opinion on him one way or the other. Reports are that he looked stronger than the other two in practice so we’ll see what happens in pre-season games. Well Y’ALL will see, pre-season is painful to me and I usually limit my preseason time to two quarters of Eagles and two quarters of Falcons. 

I’m going to watch the 2nd episode and see if it holds my attention cause the premiere absolutely did not.