"Humor" Archive

The sports world is raving about Eli’s appearance on SNL. I thought it was overall okay. The bar was low for me cause I generally find Eli to be awkward and stiff. But he’s such a nice guy I figured he’d be game for whatever SNL  came up with. And it looks like that was true and it paid off.

Here’s my favorite skit from Eli’s appearance. Eli starts a charity called “Little Brother” where he helps boys get back at their obnoxious older brother. There’s one part where he’s stuffing an older brother in a trunk and he refers to the boy as Peyton. I screamed at that part. Hilarious.

This might be the funniest headline I’ve ever written.

According to National Football Post, Carolina Panthers Tight End Jeremy Shockey saved fellow tight end Ben Harstock’s life when he almost choked on a piece of pork tenderloin in the team cafeteria.

It’s more of a story with a good ending than it is a funny one. Hartsock tried drinking some water to clear his throat and when that didn’t work it became evident to others in the room he could not breathe.

“He started to go to the bathroom and I don’t know if he collapsed, but he couldn’t breathe,” McCartney said. “Some new guy came and tried to give him the Heimlich. It didn’t work. Then, Shockey hit him in the back pretty hard and out came the meat. The Panthers told me it was really scary.

“Ben told me Shockey came over and gave me the Heimlich Maneuver and saved my life. He was in good spirits and he’s real thankful for Shockey.”

This has been a week full of heroics by NFL players.

If you didn’t hear, Baltimore Ravens rookie Wide Receiver Tandon Doss broke up a knife fight in Baltimore at Five Guys Burgers and Fries.

Doss said he was not worried about his personal safety when he intervened.

“I mean, it was two dudes on one,” he said with a shrug. “I was trying to help the situation out. I broke it up.”

Ravens coach John Harbaugh said he was not aware of Doss’ role in the fight.

“I’m not on Twitter,” he said. “I’ll be looking into that.”

Doss downplayed any description of his involvement as being heroic.

“I saw the guy on the ground bleeding, and I saw a guy on top hitting him,” he said. “So I stopped it.”

WELCOME TO BALTIMORE TANDON!!! As aggressive as the Ravens play, it’s good that Doss is already showing he isn’t afraid of a fight. I expect big things from him against the Steelers. That’s the real test.

And finally, some positive news about Bryant McKinnie. Not only did he sign with the Ravens after being cut from the Vikings for being out of shape, he also donated all the contents of his Minnesota home to charity rather than taking everything with him to Baltimore.

Former Vikings left tackle Bryant McKinnie has decided to donate the furniture and appliances from his Eden Prairie home to a local chartity, his publicist said today.

“All of my furniture in my old home is practically new and in decent condition, I look at this as a positive way to move to my new location, while still providing families in need of appliances and household goods,”

 

Oh this is just so wrong. So wrong. And so wonderful.

I actually was at Temple University at the same time Seattle Seahawks Defensive End Raheem Brock was there. I remember him being one of the more mature players I came into contact with. So every time he gets into some trouble (most recently arrested after being asked to leave a bar and not paying the bar tab before going), I’m a little surprised.

Here known prankster Pete Carroll, his coach, pranks him by pretending to have him arrested. This looked so real. I’m glad Brock didn’t freak out.

Nnamdi Asomugha Shows up to Eagles Training Camp Sunday, July 31, 2011. He can't practice until Thursday, August 4th (new CBA rules)

First of all, I’m pretending to believe that Asomugha (Ass-sim-mah-wah) signed with the Philadelphia Eagles. I’m not going to REALLY believe it until my Asomugha jersey arrives which I will be ordering promptly the minute they go on sale. I spent all of Friday morning tweeting about how the Eagles rarely take risks or make what I perceive to be “grand gestures” toward fans or toward winning. It bothered me that the Eagles weren’t even in the race for Asomugha.

I wasn’t lobbying for them to sign him necessarily, but just to be in the race. To say, we’ll look at any and all options. We want to win, and we’re willing to come up with a surprise or two. Hours later, the Eagles signed Asomugha to a 5 year deal 60 million dollar deal with 25 million dollars UP FRONT. No one deserves it more than he does. And no one deserves to be excited going in to a season more than us Philly fans. And if you say different, I really hope you can drive your car on blocks.

In addition to the Aso signing, the Eagles have signed almost everyone else who was free…Cullen Jenkins, Jason Babin, Vince Young, Antonio Rodgers-Cromartie, Oprah, Stedman. Well, everyone except Desean Jackson who may or may not be ending his “holdout” soon depending on who’sreporting.

More on Desean later. For now, I know everyone is wondering how the Eagles slipped in and stole Aso from under the noses of the Jets, Cowboys, Texans and 49ers. Lucky for you, I got my hands on Aso’s journal. woot!

For those who don’t know much about Asomugha, all you need to know to enjoy his journal entries is that he’s perfect.

Nnamdi Asomugha Journal Pages from Thursday, July 28 and Friday, July 29, 2011.

5:00 am - Woke up and drank organic coffee and ate three boiled eggs and had a protein shake while reading the LA Times, NY Times, and Wall Street Journal from front to back. I feel smarter every day. God is so good.

6:00 am - Worked out in top secret location with top secret people doing top secret drills.

8:00 am - Called Jets Coach Rex Ryan and heard his ringback tone which I felt was completely inappropriate. I googled the lyrics…apparently the “song” was “Sex in Crazy Places” by some fellow by the name of “Gucci Mane.” Hung up without leaving a message.

8:45 am Received a video message from Jets Linebacker Bart Scott saying that he “couldn’t wait” to be roommates. Set a rule to send all emails from Bart to special folder (gmail trash bin).

9:00 am Called some kids I mentor to make sure they are doing well. And they are. I worry too much but can’t help it. God is so good.

9:15 am Received voice message from a team with which I was not familiar. They said they call themselves “the San Francisco 49ers.” Googled them on my limited edition Iphone. Couldn’t tell if they were really in the NFL or not. Wrote myself a note to ask my agent. Still forgot.

10:00 am Arrived at the airport with my agent to fly to Houston for a meeting with the Texans. I’ve heard good things.

11:15 am Must turn phone off now. I hope this flight is safe. God is so good.

3:00 pm Arrived at Houston Texans facility. Everything was going well until they suddenly brought out several bottles of moscato and plates of chicken tenders. Informed them that it’s tacky to serve dessert wine at lunch and that I do not partake in the consumption of fried foods. Weird moment of misunderstanding too: They thought I came for wine and chicken tenders. But I’d said I wanted to sign with a contender. Couldn’t wait to leave.

4:00 pm Tired. A lot on my mind. Heading back to the hotel to relax with some light reading. Probably Leo Tolstoy’s “War and Peace.”

NEXT DAY

7:00 am Slept in this morning. Can’t believe I woke up so late. But I’m blessed to have the opportunity. God is so good.

8:00 am Turned on the TV but couldn’t bear to see myself on every channel. All this attention is so embarrassing. There is a famine in East Africa for God sakes. Took a moment to pray.

9:00 am Drove to Dallas and met Cowboys owner Jerry Jones who greeted me wearing a dashiki and later tried to put a cowboy hat on my head without asking. My agent told him that Black people don’t like to be touched to which he responded “I thought he was African!” Couldn’t wait to leave.

2:00 pm Received a text from my good friend Jets Cornerback Darrell Revis telling me he really hopes I sign with the Jets. What a great guy. Never figured him to be one to have a pet though. Seems he has a hamster or something. He was on his way to buy spinning wheels.

2:30 pm Received text message from my old boss Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis’ great great great great great great great great grand daughter letting me know that he died for the 7th time since 1983. I was sad as I always am when this happens to him. Can’t wait until he comes alive again. God is so good.

3:45 pm Heard from my agent that the Philadelphia Eagles swear up and down (which really isn’t respectful of God but anyway) that they want to win a Superbowl and might be willing to offer me money to play for them. Spoke to Eagles owner Joe Banner and heard the passion in his voice. They sent over an initial offer but something seemed amiss…** Contract must definitely be revised!

4:15 pm Received a phone call from the President Emeritus of my alma mater, The University of California Berkeley regarding Eagles Wide Receiver Desean Jackson. They were concerned about the impact his twitter account and general life behavior might have on the image of the university. They asked me to take him under my tutelage as he is a fellow alum and I happily obliged. It’s such an honor to help guide young men in the right direction, even when they are a mere 5 years younger than I.

5:45 pm Signed a reworked contract with the Philadelphia Eagles. Can’t wait to start. GOD IS SO GOOD.

**A sneak peak at the first contract the Eagles sent Asomugha:

DEAR SIR,

FIRST I MUST ASK FOR YOUR STRICTEST CONFIDENCE IN REGARDING TO THE TRANSACTION IN WHICH I AM ASKING YOU TO ENTER. WE ARE IN GREAT NEED OF HELP AS WE HAVE EXPERRRRRIENCED MANY TRIALS OVER THE PAST YEARS AS YOU MAY SEE. THEREFORE, I NEED AN URGENT HELP FROM YOU AS A MAN OF GOD TO HELP GET THIS MONEY TO YOUR COUNTRY. THIS MONEY, AFTER GETTING TO YOUR COUNTRY, WOULD BE SHARED ACCORDING TO THE PERCENTAGE AGREED BY BOTH OF US.PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS MATTER IS STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL AS THE GOVERNMENT IS STILL UNDER SURVAILLANCE TO PROBE US. IF YOU PLEASE PROVIDE YOUR BANK ACCOUNTS NUMBERS WE WILL THEN TRANSFER UK 25,000,000,000,000,000,0000 EUROS INTO YOUR ACCOUNT MR. ASOMUGHA. PLESE DO NOT SHARE THIS DOCUMNT BEYOND YOUR GRACIOUS EYES.

I’m such a fool. LOLLLLLL

If you missed Asomugha’s press conference for the Eagles yesterday, here ya go:

NNamdi Asomugha's contract with the Oakland Raiders was voided when certain incentives weren't met.

Unless you’ve been hiding under Serena Williams’ bountiful booty, you probably know that Nnamdi Asomugha is the most highly desired free agent on the market right now. The long suffering (9 years to be exact) Oakland Raiders Cornerback is out of the Defensive Back Witness Protection Program and ready to sign with a new team and hopefully make an official debut on the national stage.

Asomugha isn’t just talented on the field he also is one of the smartest, nicest, and genuinely charitable NFL players there is.

He’s also extremely, extremely HOT. #TheThirst #Oolala #DamnHeFine

Since January, team message boards around the league have been filled with chatter about where the Nigerian Los Angeles native will land. Even teams with no freaking chance of signing the “shut down” corner have fans who are holding on to hope.

Well, never fear, I am here to help. I put together this handy guide that your team’s owner and front office can use to woo Aso.

Pronounce His Name Correctly

As someone who has a last name that people, including family members, butcher into stewed beef pieces I know what’s it like to have a name people struggle with. And I also know it’s kind of a nice surprise when people try to pronounce it anywhere close to right.

NNamdi Asomugha presents problems because both names look like gibbrish to the average American public school graduate. Just remember, One N is just for decoration and real Gs move in silence like Asomugha. Now you know Nnamdi is “Nahm-dee” and Asomugha is “Awe-sum-wah.” Even though on Madden Asomugha is pronounced Ahso-moog-gah, your team’s front office shouldn’t be satisfied to wallow in video game ignorance. Pronounce the man’s name the right way and win a few extra points when the signing process comes down to the wire.

Do the Salary Shuffle

Look, Corners with the ability to consistently cover deep man-to-man are rarer than quiet moments at Chad Ochocinco’s house. If you want Asomugha, you got to come up with some serious paper. Not you, Detroit Lions, you’re all tapped out. But the rest of you? The lockout has given your team plenty of time to think about who they can release, whose contract(s) can be restructured, and what other personnel moves might be necessary to make this thing happen.

When Asomugha shows up at your team facility, you need to have a plan you can show him. Just like when you take a fine ass woman on a first date, don’t stand there looking confused, show a little creativity and initiative!

Emphasize Your Commitment to Winning

This pretty much leaves out the Dallas Cowboys, Washington Redskins, Cincinnati Bengals and, of course, the Oakland Raiders. But for the rest of the 28 teams in the NFL, you either need to show Asomugha that you have been winning or that the changes you’re making for this season guarantee at least a .500 record or more—preferably a playoff berth. A power point presentation that breaks down matchups, the spread, and your schedule including which SPECIFIC games you expect to win might be appropriate.

Asomugha has been stuck on a losing team for far too long. And through it all he has maintained a positive attitude, impressive command of the English language, a clean arrest record, no visible tattoos, zero paternity suits, and a mouth completely free of gold teeth. Why should such a perfect specimen have to choose between winning games and getting a contract that lets him ball ‘til he falls?

Get Real Ethnic On His Ass

If you can’t tell, NNamdi Asomugha isn’t your regular run-of-the-mill black name—it’s Nigerian. Nigeria and Nigerian culture are really important to him. He is the chairman of his own foundation called Orphans and Widows In Need (OWIN) which provides food, shelter, and medicine as well as supports literacy and vocational training in Nigeria.

If you want to attract the four-time All Pro standout to your city it might be good to show your ethnic sensitivity. In other words, this is the perfect time NOT to mention KWANZAA (or, God forbid serve a Kwanzaa cake), kente cloths or any other faux African practices. It’s also not a good time to talk about your daughter’s cornrows or to try to show off the little bit of Swahili you learned in college. And please, please do not wear some silly ass dashiki to lunch with this man!

Instead of all that offensive stuff, you might want to point out if your city is near a large Nigerian population (*ahem* Houston Texans), or not too far from the Nigerian Embassy (*hint hint* Baltimore Ravens) or simply has a great Nigerian restaurant or two (HELLO Philadelphia Eagles). At the very least, your team should make sure to note that they would do its best to support Asomugha as he endeavors to expand OWIN to other African countries.

Treat Him Like a Cancer

No, not the Terrell Owens kind, the zodiac kind. Asomugha was born on July 6, 1981 which makes him a cancer. Male cancer characteristics include a need for loyalty and privacy as well as sensitivity to criticism. Mention some things that might appeal to these traits. Is there stability within your core group of players? Do you have a contract with a security service? Do your fans rarely boo or verbally assault players? These are the kinds of things he might like to assess.

Flaunt Your City’s Food and Beaches

Now I don’t know if Asomugha is a foodie or not, but I do know he’s going to need something to do while he’s bored in the backfield. If none of the Quarterbacks are going to throw to him, the least we can do is offer the man a delicious snack while he’s wandering about aimlessly.

I would think beaches would be an important selling point too (Hear that, Miami Dolphins?). Asomugha has lived in California almost all his life. He grew up in Los Angeles, attended college at California Berkeley, and played for the Oakland Raiders ever since he left college. This man probably likes water. If you’ve got a few beaches, it might not be a bad idea to entice him with the prospect of being able to do whatever it is that people who like water do near the water or whatever. I don’t like water, so I really don’t know.

Make Sure Your Community Isn’t Singing What Have You Done For Me Lately

Asomugha had Nike add a stipulation to his contract that he would outfit freshman students at one high school with football and basketball team with shoes. He also, takes high school kids on college tours to ensure they pursue higher educations and has personally mentored and tutored students in Oakland.

The NFL touts community service and Asomugha has been exemplary in this area. If your team has made a commitment to its surrounding community, I think Asomugha would like to know.

And there you have it. I hope this handy guide helps you land the man of your team’s dreams.

You’re welcome, and good luck!