NNamdi Asomugha's contract with the Oakland Raiders was voided when certain incentives weren't met.
Unless you’ve been hiding under Serena Williams’ bountiful booty, you probably know that Nnamdi Asomugha is the most highly desired free agent on the market right now. The long suffering (9 years to be exact) Oakland Raiders Cornerback is out of the Defensive Back Witness Protection Program and ready to sign with a new team and hopefully make an official debut on the national stage.
Asomugha isn’t just talented on the field he also is one of the smartest, nicest, and genuinely charitable NFL players there is.
He’s also extremely, extremely HOT. #TheThirst #Oolala #DamnHeFine
Since January, team message boards around the league have been filled with chatter about where the Nigerian Los Angeles native will land. Even teams with no freaking chance of signing the “shut down” corner have fans who are holding on to hope.
Well, never fear, I am here to help. I put together this handy guide that your team’s owner and front office can use to woo Aso.
Pronounce His Name Correctly
As someone who has a last name that people, including family members, butcher into stewed beef pieces I know what’s it like to have a name people struggle with. And I also know it’s kind of a nice surprise when people try to pronounce it anywhere close to right.
NNamdi Asomugha presents problems because both names look like gibbrish to the average American public school graduate. Just remember, One N is just for decoration and real Gs move in silence like Asomugha. Now you know Nnamdi is “Nahm-dee” and Asomugha is “Awe-sum-wah.” Even though on Madden Asomugha is pronounced Ahso-moog-gah, your team’s front office shouldn’t be satisfied to wallow in video game ignorance. Pronounce the man’s name the right way and win a few extra points when the signing process comes down to the wire.
Do the Salary Shuffle
Look, Corners with the ability to consistently cover deep man-to-man are rarer than quiet moments at Chad Ochocinco’s house. If you want Asomugha, you got to come up with some serious paper. Not you, Detroit Lions, you’re all tapped out. But the rest of you? The lockout has given your team plenty of time to think about who they can release, whose contract(s) can be restructured, and what other personnel moves might be necessary to make this thing happen.
When Asomugha shows up at your team facility, you need to have a plan you can show him. Just like when you take a fine ass woman on a first date, don’t stand there looking confused, show a little creativity and initiative!
Emphasize Your Commitment to Winning
This pretty much leaves out the Dallas Cowboys, Washington Redskins, Cincinnati Bengals and, of course, the Oakland Raiders. But for the rest of the 28 teams in the NFL, you either need to show Asomugha that you have been winning or that the changes you’re making for this season guarantee at least a .500 record or more—preferably a playoff berth. A power point presentation that breaks down matchups, the spread, and your schedule including which SPECIFIC games you expect to win might be appropriate.
Asomugha has been stuck on a losing team for far too long. And through it all he has maintained a positive attitude, impressive command of the English language, a clean arrest record, no visible tattoos, zero paternity suits, and a mouth completely free of gold teeth. Why should such a perfect specimen have to choose between winning games and getting a contract that lets him ball ‘til he falls?
Get Real Ethnic On His Ass
If you can’t tell, NNamdi Asomugha isn’t your regular run-of-the-mill black name—it’s Nigerian. Nigeria and Nigerian culture are really important to him. He is the chairman of his own foundation called Orphans and Widows In Need (OWIN) which provides food, shelter, and medicine as well as supports literacy and vocational training in Nigeria.
If you want to attract the four-time All Pro standout to your city it might be good to show your ethnic sensitivity. In other words, this is the perfect time NOT to mention KWANZAA (or, God forbid serve a Kwanzaa cake), kente cloths or any other faux African practices. It’s also not a good time to talk about your daughter’s cornrows or to try to show off the little bit of Swahili you learned in college. And please, please do not wear some silly ass dashiki to lunch with this man!
Instead of all that offensive stuff, you might want to point out if your city is near a large Nigerian population (*ahem* Houston Texans), or not too far from the Nigerian Embassy (*hint hint* Baltimore Ravens) or simply has a great Nigerian restaurant or two (HELLO Philadelphia Eagles). At the very least, your team should make sure to note that they would do its best to support Asomugha as he endeavors to expand OWIN to other African countries.
Treat Him Like a Cancer
No, not the Terrell Owens kind, the zodiac kind. Asomugha was born on July 6, 1981 which makes him a cancer. Male cancer characteristics include a need for loyalty and privacy as well as sensitivity to criticism. Mention some things that might appeal to these traits. Is there stability within your core group of players? Do you have a contract with a security service? Do your fans rarely boo or verbally assault players? These are the kinds of things he might like to assess.
Flaunt Your City’s Food and Beaches
Now I don’t know if Asomugha is a foodie or not, but I do know he’s going to need something to do while he’s bored in the backfield. If none of the Quarterbacks are going to throw to him, the least we can do is offer the man a delicious snack while he’s wandering about aimlessly.
I would think beaches would be an important selling point too (Hear that, Miami Dolphins?). Asomugha has lived in California almost all his life. He grew up in Los Angeles, attended college at California Berkeley, and played for the Oakland Raiders ever since he left college. This man probably likes water. If you’ve got a few beaches, it might not be a bad idea to entice him with the prospect of being able to do whatever it is that people who like water do near the water or whatever. I don’t like water, so I really don’t know.
Make Sure Your Community Isn’t Singing What Have You Done For Me Lately
Asomugha had Nike add a stipulation to his contract that he would outfit freshman students at one high school with football and basketball team with shoes. He also, takes high school kids on college tours to ensure they pursue higher educations and has personally mentored and tutored students in Oakland.
The NFL touts community service and Asomugha has been exemplary in this area. If your team has made a commitment to its surrounding community, I think Asomugha would like to know.
And there you have it. I hope this handy guide helps you land the man of your team’s dreams.
You’re welcome, and good luck!