A Retrospective on Why NFL Players Named “Harrison” Ain’t Nothin’ to F-ck With (Allegedly)
This week the NFL world was overtaken by talk about Pittsburgh Steelers Linebacker James Harrison. In this upcoming Men’s Journal article, Harrison gives his unfiltered thoughts on everyone from his teammates Running Back Rashard Mendenhall (fumble machine) and Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger (no Peyton Manning) to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell (crook, devil, stupid).
I’ve said a million times that James is one of my favorite players and people. And even if he wasn’t, I’d still say he was. Why? Because he frightens me! And let me tell you, I don’t scare easily. From the time I was little, my dad has told me not to be afraid of anyone. And that attitude remained with me right up until James Harrison knocked Kyle Orton, Josh Cribbs, and Mohammed Massaquoi into the middle of the following week all in one season.
Since then it’s been clear that like the Wu Tang Clan, players named Harrision ain’t nothing to fuck with. Something about the name Harrison when connected to football breeds a tolerance for bullshit that is very low. Low Low. Scrub the grouuuuund low. King of Diamonds stripper ass low. Gas tank on E low. Souped up Chevy on hydraulics low. Shawty Lo.
What was I talking about?
Oh yeah. Scary Harrisons…scARRISONS…
If I wasn’t afraid, I’ll tell you all about James Harrison’s allegedly volatile relationship with his wife or about the time he body slammed a fan who ran onto the field.
But since I don’t want no parts of that conversation, I’ll simply move on to Marvin Harrison.
Yes Marvin Harrison, former Indianapolis Colts Wide Receiver and ALLEGED close friend of the streets.
Marvin was a great wide receiver and actually might hold more NFL records than any other receiver in history. He garnered respect for his ability to elude defenders. These skills probably came in handy when he had to do the same thing to the police ALLEGEDLY. Off the field, Marvin was under investigation by both Philadelphia police and the FBI as they tried to determine if he was connected to the shooting death of a man he’d previously had an altercation with. This is all alleged!!
While I’m positive that Marvin is and was COMPLETELY innocent, since the 8 time Pro Bowler’s last name IS Harrison I can’t help but allegedly wonder!
I’d be remiss if I didn’t also mention Rodney Harrison.
Admittedly Rodney only scares me half as much as Marvin and James but still enough that I wouldn’t mess with him to his face. The former New England Patriots Safety is known for admitting to federal agents that he received human growth hormones (ALLEGEDLY), being voted “dirtiest player” in the league by his peers, and hitting the $200,000 mark in fines by the NFL including a vicious helmet to helmet hit on the great Wide Receiver Jerry Rice that got him suspended.
THOUGH HE’S VERY HANDSOME AND WELL SPOKEN (just in case he’s reading this), Rodney gives me all kinds of crazy vibes especially when his broadcast partner former Colts Coach Tony Dungy makes one of his many goody two-shoes comments. Such comments usually prompt Rodney to visibly consider whether he should waste perfectly good breath making a counterpoint or handle the situation like a real Harrison would.
Side note: Judging by the number of times Rodney’s eyes have twitched and he’s flashed his “I-ain’t-no-killer-but-don’t-push-me” grin listening to Dungy talk, we are approximately 1.5 NFL seasons from Rodney putting Dungy in a Boston Crab or a rear naked chokehold depending on which suit he’s wearing that night. This is of course assuming he hasn’t already–ALLEGEDLY.
No surprise that the Hazardous Harrisons James and Rodney aren’t fans of each others. James says that Rodney is a jerk. Rodney’s response? Jerk is one of the nicer things anyone has ever said about him, and that James needs to just shut up.
James is right.
Rodney is right.
But take heart, we still have Nolan Harrison. Nolan is a senior executive for the NFL Players Association and formerly played defensive lineman for the Raiders and Steelers. He seems like a very nice guy. He actually took some time and explained to me what the NFLPA was doing with a couple of its player-driven sites.
But…after that conversation, I took a peek at his bio and it says “you know whose side I’m on, tread lightly…” OMG IS THAT AN ALLEGED THREAT? Or have other Harrisons made me so nervous I don’t know the difference between helpful information and a potential ass kicking?
From this day forward, any time someone is testing my gangsta, the name “Harrison” will serve as a warning. Either we can handle this politely, or I can get real Harrison on that ass!!!