If you’re like me, the fear that the NFL will have a lock out (and the NBA if you’re into that kinda thing), started off as a mild concern and is growing into a full on panic as the weeks go by. The NFLPA has set up a site for info about the potential lockout and it’s clear from the information contained, they’re not playing around.
NBA players have already been warned by Commissioner Stern that salary expenses need to be cut by 1/3. In the NFL the circumstances are a lot less cut and dry. There are issues with NFL rules and salaries that aren’t just economic but ethical and life-altering. Right now, there aren’t many encouraging signs that there won’t be a lockout.
For this reason, I will be handing out suggestions during the current NFL and NBA season for things you all can do should your favorite team sports go on hiatus.
1. Learn a new language. More and more of the NBA and NFL’s players are from other countries. A lock out is the perfect time to figure out what the hell Houston Rocket Yao Ming and new Jersey Nets Coach Avery Johnson are trying to say. Johnson is American? Oh. Well, you get my point. With NFL players like Indianapolis Colt Pierre Garcon and New York Giant Osi Umenyiora, there’s plenty of motivation for some of you to learn Haitian Kreyol or proper English.
2. Write Redskins Offensive Coordinator Kyle Shanahan. Shanahan has quickly become the most annoying man in sports. Okay, maybe he’s not the most annoying, but he’s a close 3rd right now behind Lebron James and Dwyane Wade. I would tell you to write James and Wade but then Chris Bosh would have to take time out of his “busy” schedule to read your letters to them, and he’s probably already tired of feeling like a 3rd wheel.
Anyway, someone needs to let Shanny Jr. know what he needs to work on since his father won’t. On top of the fact that he’s made up 12 different reasons for why he can’t get along with America’s Sweetheart Donovan McNabb, he also has former NFL QB Chris Simms’ initials tattooed on his ankle which is a violation of 13 man laws and a felony in 3 southern states (he won’t get arrested for it, but that doesn’t change the fact that the laws are on the books). He needs to hear from the public all the reasons why very little of his behavior since 2006 is acceptable on any level.
3. Interview black players who’ve been Coached by Bill Belichick. This may seem like a random task, but now that I know that Belichick is the Negro Whisperer I’m obsessed with knowing how he does it. I’d love it if each of you could pick one former Patriot…maybe Ty Law? Lawyer Milloy? Randy Moss’ braids? and ask them some targeted questions so that the rest of us who are trying to get a rich handsome black man to fall for us without having to treat him well can know Belichick’s secrets.
Speaking of Randy Moss…
4. Find out what Randy Moss is smoking. I want some.
5. Demand Congress conduct a FULL investigation into NFL ticket prices. This may seem kind of petty and random given the fact that there are millions of people in this country who go hungry and FOX has made such vast improvements to their game broadcasts, but this is important to me. Some of us still like to leave the house and go to the games. But by the time you buy tickets, pay for parking, and a hot dog, you’re already out $1500 that you could have spent on Perellis and high quality yaki. I shouldn’t have to sacrifice high performance tires and higher performance hair whippage just to go see the NY Giants take out yet another starting quarterback live and in person.
Hopefully this is enough to get you started…I’ll be back with more suggestions later!